Dear Diary,

 I want to move!  And because we didn't win Euromillions yesteday (not even the £2-something prize) I should be resigned to the fact it isn't going to happen anytime soon.  And it is not helped that I keep torturing myself by looking at homes.  I have yet again, found some more homes that i would be more than happy to live in.  This time they're by Persimmon and I've looked at Persimmon's offers, and we still can't afford anything.  And, on top of it all, i'm starting to feel angry towards my parents (in my head, not in RL) for not having enough money to loan me the deposit.  One of the offers is a Parental Loan scheme, where the 'rents pay the deposit and earn 5%pa interest on the loan, which will be repaid after 2 years.  Not bad!  But mine, nor DH's parents have that kind of money.

And I'm feeling jealous of my sister.  She's getting married in 10 days, and her ILs have paid for their honeymoon - a cruise round the caribean. And the ILs paid the deposit on my sister's house.  And after around 3 years working (as a teacher) my sister is earning more that I was when I left employment; and probably more than I would've been earning now, even if I had stayed.

I feel like I have been sold a lie: that you can have it all.  Or that getting a good education (I went to Oxford uni, don't you know) means you'll have pick of the jobs.  Or that by working hard, you can work your way up within a company.  Definitely that we needed to get on the property ladder.  If we hadn't, and we were still renting, we would have by now a huge deposit and be in a much better position to move.  We could even move into a bigger/better rented property, if we didn't own this place.

This place, back in 2007, was a fantastic house for the price, and a really good 'first house'.  Now, we're stuck in one of the worst/poorest areas in the town we live in.  As I don't work anymore, there's no need for us to live here and we'd be much better off living closer to DH's work.  We're in negative equity, with zero deposit saved.  (Well, we probably could scrape together £3-4k, but that's nowhere near 5%, let alone the 15-20% you need for most mortgages these days.)

I sound really ungrateful and bitchy.  I don't mean to be.  I know there are a lot of people worse off than us.  I just wish I could be content with my lot, instead of always dreaming.  Thing is, I don't think dreams in themselves are bad things.  I think it is a good thing to always want to better yourself, or your environment, and to aim high.

"Aim for the moon, and even if you miss, you'll land amongst the stars." 

I just wish my dreams were slightly more realistic and achieveable.

On the positive side, though, my desperation to get more money in order to move, means i am actually moving stuff around my house myself, rather than waiting for DH.  Our study, is the small box room, and that's the room I intend to tutor in.  (My thoughts are that if I can tutor at home, I can get more people through the door so can make more money.  and even if i can't get more people through the door, at least I'll be at home and switched off for longer, rather than having up to an hour's drive there/back.)  However, atm there is zero space to tutor, as the desk in there is very small (only 2ft wide, I think) and you cannot even sit under it as it is a computer desk.  There is a sofa bed in there, and 3 book shelves, which are cram-packed with books, overflowing and messy.  And no room to swing a mouse, let alone a cat!  So, the plan is to move the bookshelves into our bedroom, move the sofabed to where the bookshelves were, and buy a folding, wall table from which I tutor.

That's all good in theory, but we have no space in our bedroom, so we're having to change everything round in there too.  As I've recently lost a lot of weight, i've been giving away all my size 16 and 18+ clothes (to my sister, mum and freecycle), so i can get rid of one of my two wardrobes.  Then, we're moving the two other wardrobes (mine and DH's) out of the cubbyhole, into the space where the first wardrobe was and where my chest of drawers were.  My chest of drawers have now been moved to next to my bed, where my bedside table and dirty clothes basket were.  These two have now been moved from beside my bed, to in front of our existing shelves.  In the space in the cubbyhole that has now been vacated, will be where the 3 bookcases from nextdoor will be moved to.  Phew!  Understand any of that? Hehe.

So far, I have moved my chest of drawers, emptied the wardrobe we're removing, and moved DH's wardrobe.  That's a lot more than I thought I would be able to do on my own, when I'm trying to entertain two children and ensure they don't get in the way or in trouble.

Whether it will work in practice, especially given that we have 2 preschoolers here and have to hope that they will be quiet or go to bed good, is another thing.  I'm still working on trying to get DD2 into some kind of bedtime routine.  Tonight she fell asleep in my arms after 8, and I went to put her upstairs at 8.30ish.  Unfortunately, DD1 who should've been in bed already, was screaming and woke her up.  Fortunately, though, the presence of DD2 seems to have a calming effect on DD1 (she's going through a phase atm of not liking being alone) and I managed to get them both settled in bed by 8.45.  DD2 was nearly back to sleep, and DD1 was reading to herself.

I can only hope.  Unless you, dear blog-reader, want to donate a few thousand pounds to me?

Yours,
LBP.

Dear Diary,

 "Things are always a problem with you."  They're my mum's words which are now left ringing around my head, after I asked her for some advice/comfort.

I don't like talking with the plate in my mouth.  I can talk pretty much normally without it in, but am still practicing with it in.  I don't like the feeling of eating without the plate in, but at the same time, I don't like the feeling of it in either.  So, I'm practicing eating with the plate in, but it is hard and slow.  My mouth is slowly getting back to normal, so I can open my mouth wider - which has helped - but i'm still scared about swallowing the plate, or doing something silly.  It all feels odd and unusual.  As my mum has worn a plate for years, I thought I'd ask her advice about how soon things will start to feel normal, and that is when she made the above comment.  I was taken aback, so i asked her to clarify, and she helpfully said that my entire life nothing is ever simple and things are always a problem.  Great.  Thanks then mum.

On the good side, though, I had a smear today, and it didn't hurt!  I can barely believe it, as I find them agony, and I had been dreading it for weeks, knowing that these things need to be done.  I had both children with me; DD2 slept through as I had fed her just before (we were in the library) and DD1 was good drawing a picture of a skeleton.

In the library, I restricted DD1 to 2 books, and she decided that that would be one book for herself and one book for DD2.  Then she said, she couldn't leave me out either, which is why we borrowed three books today.  Hopefully, though, she'll actually read them, as she has been going through a phase of borrowing books and not wanting to read them at all atm.
* I'm hungry.
* Who's there, Spot?
* Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

Then this afternoon has been a mixed bag.  DD1 has gone from being an angel, to hitting, kicking, pushing, both me and DD2.  I'm struggling atm, which I'm sure is because I am tired, and with the house being a mess, i feel like i can't cope.  On the good (bad) side, this isn't unusual, so i know these feelings will dissipate soon.  I have a busy week this week, so the anticipation of that probably isn't helping either.  Nevermind, there's always tomorrow.  Or maybe my mum is right - everything's a problem with me?

Yours,
LBP.

Oh, and I've made the decision NOT to apply for that job.  Whilst, I potentially could have been earning mega-money, getting back in the rat-race, putting the kids through school, and 'doing everything that you're supposed to' is the easy option.  You only live once, and if I think I could 'put up with' working for a few years, to get some money, in the same vein, I could put up with living in the house for a few years, and have more of an adventure of teaching my own.

Dear Diary,

Another Crazy idea and another self indulgent post.

As well as me looking at houses we can't afford, I periodically look at what jobs are on offer. (Incidentally, there's only one of my 'perfect house' left for sale.  I worked out that if DH earned double his salary, we'd only get a mortgage for half the house.  And, if we miraculously could get a mortgage for that house, we'd need to pay over £3k per month! So it's not going to happen.) DH mentioned that there are vacancies at his company (he only started in Feb, and though he's not keen, it does seem they type of company I'd enjoy), so I had a look.  They have the job I would want, if I were to ever be employed again AND they say the main qualification (which I don't have) is desireable, rather than essential!  In fact, not being able to move into this role, was one of the reasons why I left my previous job to become SAHM in the first place.

Now, I like being a SAHM and part-time tutor.  I want to HE (though if I *had* to go back to work, I don't have a problem with school in general).  But, the reality is that if we want to ever move house (not even to one of my ridiculous houses) I will have to be working a significant amount or full time, to ever come close to saving enough money.

So, given that they have the job I'd want, I don't need the main qualification (I do have some experience, just not the qualification that most employers look for), and they ask for 'salary expectations' (so I could name my price), I'm very tempted to apply.  If I were to draw a tree diagram there are 3 routes, with 2 outcomes:
1. I don't apply, and things stay as they are.
2. I do apply, but don't get the job (at whatever stage), and things stay as they are.
3. I do apply, and they offer me the job.

As I said, I do enjoy my life atm, but having been brought up with 'get a good education and you can have whatever you want' and 'fulfil your potential', means I'm always looking for more.   These thoughts are specifically for working at DH's company, rather than generally looking for a job - which I don't want.

Pros of working:
*we could gain savings, to afford the lifestyle we want
*I could travel with DH so no need for extra transportation costs
*Travelling with DH would mean his day seemed shorter (which would help his enjoyment of the job)
*There would be less pressure on DH to be the main breadwinner (which unusually for a bloke, he doesn't like)
*I could start my career up again, as we're not planning any more children now.
*I *really* want to move house.

Cons of working:
*I like the freedom I currently have to do what I want (despite lack of money and lack of car as constraints)
*DDs 1&2 would immediately have to go into nursery full time (though we'd look for one in the town where DH's company is, rather than the town where we live)
*I would not be able to HE.  I not only like the philosphy of learning, but worry DD1 may be too clever for school (I don't mean that to sound big-headed).
*DD1 would have to stop gymnastics, as I wouldn't be able to take her.  She only started in April, and absolutely loves it.

Hmmm, I'll probably think of more pros/cons during the day, but the main incentive is money, but I'm nore sure if I'm willing to 'sell my soul'. ;-)

I am tempted to apply, with a high salary requirement, but say it's open to negotiation.  I've googled, and apparently the average salary for this job is £45k, but ranging from £35-60k.  I'm thinking, if I ask for £43k, being aware they are likely to offer a lower amount.  I'd need to work out what the lowest amount I'd accept is.  For example, when I stopped working before, I was on £25k (4days) and could only just afford nursery costs for 1 child, so I'd be looking for significantly more than that, to tempt me back to work. 

And yes, I realise that all this may be getting ahead of myself, because if I do apply, they'll probably reject me without interview.  And yet, if I don't apply, I'll always be wondering (and I hate that - I'd rather know and be rejected, itms).

Any thoughts at all?

Yours, LBP

Dear Diary,

I have sooo much to update you on: my sister's hen night, our recent holiday camping, gardening, weightloss (or lack of), our recent borrowings from the library, DD1's jump forwards by writing her name and spelling it correctly (even adults get the spelling wrong!), not to mention I think I still haven't written a book review of Playful Parenting, which I thought was really good.

Unfortunately, despite having a hectic 3 weeks, we're back home and life still seems full rush.  I'm trying to catch up on clothes washing, and ended up having 3 loads on the line this morning, only to get caught in a sudden downpour.  So, now I've brought most of it inside, and am trying to dry it between the clothes horses in front of the radiator (i turned them back on for 10min) and the tumble dryer.  The rest that is still on the line will have to stay out there until there is some space in the kitchen.  We still haven't unpacked everything from our hols, though finally got arround to moving the tent etc back to the shed last night.  The living room is a mess (not uncommon) but my mum is coming up tomorrow to babysit for us on Sat (we're going to see Bon Jovi at Hard Rock Calling - hurray!) and she *always* complains about the state of our house - especially because I'm at home all day.

I'm also debating whether to turn our upstairs box room into a room that I can tutor in (rather than me going to student's houses)?  I really want to move house, and whilst there are a few houses we could afford/get a mortgage on, we have zero deposit.  (By deposit, I'm including the negative equity difference on our current mortgage, and all lawyer/estate agent fees etc etc.) By tutoring at home, i'm hoping that we could get more people through the door on an evening, and therefore more money.

Have to go now, as DD1 is demanding I read You Choose to her, yet again!
Yours,
LBP.

Dear Diary,

Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm feeling a bit rubbish.  I never enjoy birthdays.  Not because I'm afraid or hate getting older.  In fact, I think of myself more as a caterpillar that is hoping beyond hope that maybe this year I'll be that butterfly.  And I'm only going to be 29 tomorrow.  A few people have said, in jest, "getting nearer 30!", but 30 doesn't seem old to me, and I don't think there is anything wrong with being older anyway.  I've never had any looks to go or a body to lose,  so to speak, I just seem to be a person that is just sad around birthday time. 

The children are playing up too.  The house is a mess.  The car has broken down, yet again.  None of these are new things; I'm just noticing/getting upset and frustrated by them more, because I'm in a bit of a slump atm.  And the stats for this blog, which was just a mild sense of excitement, have tailed off too.  So I'm guessing whichever site it was that had a link to here, has now got some other person's blog on it's front page, and that this one is to go back to its bleak existence alone.

On the good side, though, it has rained today, so hopefully my plants will have had a good watering.  I've forgotten to water them the past 2 days, so they were probably really thirsty.  At the moment, I'm just waiting for them to grow some more, although I do know that soon enough I will need to thin out the carrots and onions.  Whilst I know I need to do that, before they grow too big, I have no idea when I need to do it.  My fear is that I'll do it too soon, and end up damaging or killing the seedlings as I try to take them out of the ground, to move them.  Not that I know where I'm going to move them either.  I do have some more ground that I could use, but I haven't removed the turf yet.  And I need to go over the area with the hoe again, as weeds are starting to appear again.  Unfortunately, the children seem to be conspiring against me, and are not allowing me any time to do anything that needs to be done, let alone time to do gardening.

We're on holiday soon, and I can't wait.  Not as soon as I'd like, but at least it's something to look forward to.  The past few days has all been taken up with the AV referendum and surprise, surprise it hasn't passed, and all hope of anyone even half decent ever getting into government has gone down the pan.  Good thing my vote makes a difference... oh, wait. :-(

Hope you feel better than I do, atm.
Yours,
LBP

Dear Diary,

Lots have been going on that I really need to update with you.  On Mother's Day, we had the worst takeaway [customer service] in the world, on Monday we went to the library as usual, but I haven't noted which books we got out, I put on weight, DD1 made an HE friend, the weather has been gorgeous and I've had a busy Saturday in the garden today!

So, on Mother's Day, for a change we thought we'd try the only Italian takeaway (excluding the likes of Pizza Hut etc) in our town.  We looked at the menu, and though it seemed pricey (more than double what we would normally pay for a takeaway, DH and I decided it would be a nice change.  We ordered online, and only after we had paid, did it say "allow 90mins for delivery"!  We were hoping to feed DD1 (and 2) some of ours for dinner, but that wait seemed ridiculous, so she had beans on toast - which she probably enjoyed more anyway.  Soon, DD1 was in bed, and DD2 was asleep downstairs, but still no food.  After nearly 2 hours from whe we ordered we phoned up to ask where our food was, to be told that ours was next in line (so they hadn't even started it!) and to apologise they'd throw in a bottle of wine.  Did we want white or red?  Red.  DH nor I like white wine, so even though we decided it was too late to open the bottle that night, it would keep.  We had to wait another 45minutes (!!!) before the food arrived.  DH went to the door, took the food, but no bottle of wine.  The delivery driver said he would return with it, which to be fair, he did very promptly, but it was white.  Typical - and just sums up the customer service that they couldn't even get the colour of wine right.  By this point, it was nearly 3 hours after we first ordered, and we were well into the food, so didn't bother saying anything.  At least we now have a bottle of white for if we have visitors.  The food itself was actually lovely, though massive.  If we were ever to order from there again (which we're not going to), we'd order 1 starter and 1 main between us.  At least that way, it would be the right amount of food for a decent price.  I ordered White Bait starter (which was enough for about 4 people) and Duck breast for main.  I was given the option of chips or vegetables, I opted for veg, but ordered a side order of chips anyway.  When it arrived, the duck breast was about 6inches long, and 2 inches thick, though very tasty.  The side order of chips was humungous, and the vegetables had roasted potatoes included so I didn't need the chips anyway.  DH ordered prawns for starter and seafood spaghetti for main; the latter was definitely enough for two.  As I say, the food was very nice, but we're not going to bother ordering from there again.  I would Name and Shame, but then that takes away one part of my anonymity, if you know where I'm located.

Current weight: 71kg
Goal weight: 10st
Weight lost this week: -2kg (ie put on 2kg)
Total weight loss: 7kg

I put on 2kg this week.  Probably because of the takeaways, and visit to my grandparents, but I'm hoping it is just a normal fluctuation and I haven't put myself back that much.   Today I saw somebody who hadn't seen me in a few weeks, and with the warmer weather, I'm wearing thinner/lighter/tighter clothes.  Anyway, she commented about how much weight I've lost, around my waist and around my face, so I hope that means I haven't done too much damage to my goals.

On Monday we went to the library as usual.  I got out some books for DD1 and one for me.  (I'll update this post, when I've got them to hand.)  Then, on Tuesday, we went to a different library for Storytime and also to meet up with a fellow HEer, and her children.   She has two girls, the elder one is 5 and the younger is 1.  The elder daughter, apparently, went to preschool and didn't hate it, but didn't enjoy it that much either.  So, off she went to school like most other children, but changed overnight and hated it.  So, she was taken out of school and is now being HEed.  Anyway, DD1 and her got on like a house on fire, so I'm hoping they will become good friends, as we start to develop more friendships in the HE world. :-D

And today I have done much in the garden.  The weather is still lovely, so I wanted to make the most of it.  I cut the grass, and filled up one compost bin, and started filling the second one.  I repotted my house plant (a rubber plant, that I've had since university), I sowed the tomato seeds in the grow bags, and I sowed rows of carrots and onions in the ground.  I've never attempted to grow anything from seed before, but hopefully that if nothing has grown in a month's time, I will still be able to buy some baby-plants from the gardening shop to replace the dead-seeds and nobody will be any the wiser. Ssssssh!

So that's what I've been up to lately.  I am planning on writing a post entitled "How the Hell can I call myself a Christian?" but it's another thing that I haven't got around to.  Tomorrow the weather is still meant to be high so we're planning to go to the beach for the day with the children.  Studland beach in Dorset is a sandy, accessible naturist beach.  But it is a fair few hours drive away, so it does depend on how much sleep we get tonight and how early we wake tomorrow.  Otherwise, we'll still be at home, and hopefully will be as productive as we have been today.

Speak again soon,
LBP

Dear Diary,

Other than my weekly notes (weigh-in and the library visit) I haven't written anything for ages.  Part of that is that I've been really busy, part is that I didn't know what to say.

For ages I've been thinking that I should write up something about my gaudy.  I finally was about to get around to it this morning, and then I noticed I've already written a brief bit.  Boy, I must've been hungover to not notice that. LoL.  I don't really have much more to add.  DH and I did get into a bit of a discussion about HE with a couple of people from our course.  I had to laugh because one person who is against HE said that his reasons for being against it, is that young people these days always get to do what they want, and behave/act/work appallingly, so what we really need is for education to start earlier and be more full time, and not allow people to opt out if they want.  (Or words to that effect, you get the gist.)  I had to laugh, because I guarrantee that pretty much 100% of all the people he was referring to have been through the school system, so in fact all his reasons are actually pro-HE.

I have also signed DD1 up for gymnastics.  She has her first trial session tomorrow, and she's really excited so I hope she enjoys it. She will be in a class without me (good, because DD2 will be with me) but I'll be in a viewing gallery. I have two worries, but not necessarily what you'd expect: 1. That DD1 won't let me put her hair in a ponytail (a requirement as she has long hair), and we battle everyday about brushing her hair; and 2. That she will need the toilet, but not say anything, and wee everywhere. She's only just potty trained, and whilst she hasn't (yet) had an accident in public, if she is somewhere new, where she doesn't feel comfortable, I worry that she'd get embarrassed. Totally me pushing my fears on her, as I said she is really excited and looking forward to making new friends.

I'm starting to get the bug again to start organising/planning.  I'm helping organise my sister's hen night in June, and have given a few suggestions to the chief bridesmaid - she works full time so I've offered that I take on a bit more responsibility.  I actually can't say too much more about this here.  There are only two people in RL who know who I am and know I have this blog, and one of them is my sister.

Finally, I think I've had this blog long enough to notice (especially when I look at the labels I've given various posts) that my family are the most important things (people!) in my life.  Then there is a whole host of things, including library books and me losing weight, which are just interesting to me personally and I'm sure don't mean anything to anybody who happens to be reading this blog.  And after that, there are things which again are important to me, but I haven't really written about, such as being a Christian, or being a naturist.  So, whilst I don't have much to say about these at the moment, hopefully I'll try to readdress the balance slightly.  Maybe.

Yours,
LBP

Dear Diary,

I didn't have a good day on Friday.  DD1 decided to fight me over everything and even resorted to hitting me to get what she wants.  I didn't hit her, but restrained her every time she hit me, for 3 mins (a min/year of her life) and it felt like she was in time out more than she was in time in!

Then, when I wanted to complain/moan to DH he, less than sympathetically, asked if I couldn't just be happy. Cue flashbacks to my teenager years, when I was depressed and suicidal, and my dad could ask me why I was so miserable the whole time.  :-(  On the good side, though, DH did apologise later on.  But, after the day I had had, I was feeling a bit lonely.  Things did improve over the weekend though.

I've decided to dye my hair: Damson Wine  It's not the colour I initially was thinking.  I wanted to go a more vibrant purple (Mystic Violet) but DH wasn't too keen, so our compromise was this more plummy colour.  I'm hoping he'll help me tonight to put it in my hair.  In a couple of weeks, it's my university's 10 year reunion (from when we started) and so I'm looking forward to dressing up in black tie.  I've planned to get my hair cut into a new style on the friday too, I just don't know whether to dye my hair tonight, or next Sunday, in time for the following friday.

We have also rearranged our living room, so it feels more cosy, but also allows us to have our butterfly dining table open all the time, and we've moved the high chair next to the table, ready for DD2.  She's sat in there a couple of times now, and seems to enjoy being sat with us when we're eating, whilst being annoyed that she can't eat what we're eating.  The weaning is going well, but slowly for her!

And today I managed to get some time in the garden too, despite going to the pub for lunch to watch my team lose (and DH's team win :-( ).  DH and I are both football fans, but our teams are arch rivals!  Whilst his team may have won today, we are higher in the league and generally much better.  So there.  Back to the gardening, though, I managed to double-dig half the plot that I've got so far.  I would have liked to have done the whole thing, but considering I was simultaneously helping DD1 on her bike, helping her to help me, and then I had to stop for a good 30mins to BF DD2, I thought that wasn't bad going. :-)

Hope you, in your diary-world, are well.
Regards,
LBP

Dear Diary,

We've had a stressful week this week.

Starting a new job is one of the more stressful things you can do, and that's just what DH has done this week.  He changed jobs for career prospects/interest reasons, rather than because he hated his old job or the people.  In fact, whilst not quite in the area he wanted to be in, he loved his old job and got on really well with all of his colleagues and his boss!  As such, he was really apprehensive before starting this job because he was really unsure to whether he had made the right decision.  Given that he was offered this new job back in November, but was on a 3month notice period at his old place, so the apprehension has been building all this time.

On Monday, off he went, and I didn't hear anything until he returned.  It wasn't good.  Lots of little things that culminated during the day not helped by some reckless drivers he encountered on the way home.  Fortunately, since then, things seem to have got a bit better.  As with all new jobs, it takes a fair while before you settle into the role and start to make friends, but he did go to the pub with his team after work on Wednesday, so that's a good sign.

DD2 might be teething again.  She is really grumpy, and dribbly. I thought she would at least have had a gap between her first 2 teeth coming through and the next bunch.  Either that, or it's just a developmental stage where she recognises me properly (and is therefore unhappy with anybody, 'cept DH, who is not me and also when I leave the room).

And my diet has gone out of the window (again).  I think yesterday was the worst day I've ever had!  To celebrate that DH was starting to not-hate his new job, we had a Chinese take away on Wednesday night.  Thursday lunch was leftover Chinese for me, yum.  (I do ensure the children have proper food, in case anyone is worried.)  FIL came to visit us, and took the children out for a walk giving me time to wash up, tidy and hoover .  He returned at 5pm with sausage and chips for DD1.  I'm not going to let her eat a whole portion (the chips are huge) so I had to help out quite a bit.  And because FIL doesn't like much variety of food, specifically much of what we eat/cook for ourselves, DH suggested we get another takeaway, so Indian was order of the day (korma for FIL).  Three different takeaways in one day! So today, I'm desperately trying to make up for it, by having tropical veg juice for breakfast and lunch (tho' I did share a piece of toast with DD2 at lunchtime) and for snacks too.  I will have a proper dinner tonight though - I'm not totally crazy.  Garlic pork with sweet potato mash (I may put some carrots in the mash too). Yum.

Hopefully next time I write, it will all be good news.
Yours,
LBP

Dear Diary,

What a difference a sleep makes!  Yesterday I was feeling totally overwhelmed with everything, couldn't cope with DD1's tantrums, the state of the house nor DD2 crying.  And yet, DD2 slept through last night!  Not only did she not wake for a feed, she slept in DD1's room all night (as such, I should probably stop calling it DD1's room).

Today, I managed to tidy the living room!  To most people, that's probably not that big a thing, but our house is a mess, so this was massive!  Normally when I try, DD1 is undoing my tidying at a faster rate than I can tidy it in the first place.  Today, she was helping and not getting in my way (which is as good as helping).  I got a load of boxes and filled them with toys and took them upstairs; they're not sorted, but that can be left for another day.  I put tonnes of rubbish in the bin and recycling boxes, I swept up, hoovered the cushions and sofa, febreezed the sofa and curtains, and made the house (well, the front room) looking nice.  And because I promised/bribed DD1 to help me, this afternoon we made fairy cakes together, and iced them with pink icing.  As always, the red food dye spilt on my hands, so I now have a red thumb and first finger.

Potty training is going well too.  Yesterday we went to the cafe to meet some friends and DD1 was just in knickers (ie with no nappy over the top) and was fine on the bus, in the cafe and shopping afterwards.  She asked me a few times to go to the toilet, did so, and got lots of stickers when we returned home. 

And weaning DD2 is going well, too.  Today she had butternut squash soup, which she loved.  She has been a bit sicky this evening (tmi: orangey/milky) so I hope it wasn't the soup, but at least we know she loves trying different flavours.  I spoonfed her, rather than letting her have the spoon herself, and still made a mess everywhere.  I'm glad that most of the time I'm doing fingerfoods, as it's much less messy than mush!

Tonight we had an Indian takeaway for tea, and a glass of wine.  Today is the last day of DH's work, as he starts a new job on Monday.  So we had a treat for a mini celebration.  He was also given a cake from work, and because he took in with him doughnuts, he brought the cake home.  Not much dieting going on this weekend then.

Anyway, that's me for now.  Thanks for listening.
LBP

Dear Diary,

Today has been one of those days.  "Laid Back Parent"? Like Hell.

DD1 has been a right little madam today, to put it incredibly nicely.  She wouldn't eat her breakfast nicely, or stay still, and dripped weetabix everywhere.  She wouldn't get dressed, and made it impossible for me to dress her.  She did keep shouting, screaming, tantrumming when she doesn't get her own way.  Of course, this morning I had a doctor's appointment, that we were already nearly late for, so we had to get moving.  As 'punishment' we usually either do time out by the front door, or I will restrain her.  As she started headbutting and hitting me, it was the latter.  Of course, holding her still (with her fighting me every step of the way) for 3min at a time was just making us later and later and she still wasn't dressed.  Yes, I did have to do that more than once. I was even talking to myself (in my head) about how I would never have got away with this when I was little.  We were smacked, and it's not something I want to do to my children, and we were scared (or at least I was) so we behaved through fear.  Of course, when my mind slipped, I lost control and am ashamed to say I gave DD1 a tap across her legs.  What a waste of time that was - I got more upset at myself, and she just laughed at me.  It wasn't painful, didn't teach her a thing, but I just lost control.  Stupid me.

Eventually I did manage to get her dressed, and said that because she has been naughty, she would have to be tied in the pushchair.  The thought of dragging her, in this mood, for a mile to the doctor's when I was already late was too much.  So, I put the wrap around me, and DD1 decided she wanted to be in the pushchair, so she tied herself in, happily.  I put DD2 in the wrap, put on my big coat, to find out that it was pi$$ing it down outside.  So, DD1 was dry and being pushed along, and me and DD2 were getting wet and I walked as fast as I could to make our 11am appt. And that's when I found out that my umbrella is no longer in the change bag, and I've no idea where it is.

We made it to the doctor's 5min late, so I said my name and that I had an appt at 11.  Meanwhile, DD1 has decided she's not naughty, wants to get out of the pushchair, and is screaming the place down.  I'm doing my best "I'm ignoring you" stance, but feel that I'm failing.  So, I'm already not in the best of moods when I get told that I don't have an appointment.  I say "yes I do, it's with the asthma nurse."  She booked it when I was in the previous appt, and wrote it down for me; but I'm not on the system anywhere, and there isn't another asthma clinic for ages.  I asked if I could be squeezed in (I felt like I would cry), and rummaged through my handbag.  Good thing I don't tidy my bag out much - I still had the piece of paper with her writing on it!  So I handed it over, and the receptionist went in to see her (she was already in an appt).  I don't know what was said, but they said they would squeeze me in.

I sat down, and waitied my turn.  I let DD1 out of the pushchair (she ran straight into the wendy house) and I took DD2 out of the wrap and put her into the pram - she fell asleep almost immediately.  Luckily DD1 was fairly well behaved whilst at the doctors.  It turns out I do have asthma, so have been prescribed a preventative inhaler to take twice a day.   The nurse was very apologetic about the mix up with the appt - she remembers making it for me - and said I need to return in a month's time, but to make the appt with front desk, in case the same mistake happens again.  So back out the front, but I can't make an appt because, according to the system, she's not working in a month's time.  Best advice is to wait a week and phone back to try again.  And to top it off, DD1 is starting to play up again and refusing to put her coat on.  It is still raining, and I need to cross the road to get my new inhaler from the chemists, so I suffer the looks of other people for 'allowing' my three year old to go out in the pouring rain without her coat on.  Before I left the doctor's I tried to forcibly put the coat on her, but she was throwing herself around in such a way, that it was really dangerous. 

In the chemists, she decided that she was hungry and so was going to scream and scream.  That's when I perfected my ignoring.  I did manage to get her coat on her, though, so I felt better about that.  We then had the walk home.  Sometimes, if DD1 has been good, I will buy "naughty lunch" aka a KFC.  We don't have chips at home (no deepfat fryer, and I'm scared of a chip pan), so only have them when visiting family, or being naughty.  KFC is the only fastfood chain (that I know of) that doesn't salt its chips.  Although it is not something to have every day, young children do need a high fat diet so the occasional portion of chips isn't that bad.  And because I never buy DD1 her own meal (I buy myself something, and she shares that) it's not as bad as it could be.  Anyway, KFC is practically next to the chemists, and DD1 decided that she wanted it.  I walked off, and DD1 eventually ran after me, when she realised I wasn't going to give in.  More sobbing and tantrumming on the way home, but gradually reducing.  I think the walk home in the rain calmed her down a bit. 

At home, she still said she was hungry, so I gave her an apple and a raw carrot.  DD2 hadn't been fed since before we left for the doctor's and was now awake again, so I had to feed her, before I could think of doing anything for lunch, as it was now 1pm.  I am an emotional eater, I know it, but I'm too stupid to do anything about it.  I ordered in a pizza for lunch (with over half saved for dinner too).  DD1 shared the sides with me, but it's not good for me trying to lose weight.

Eating did calm DD1 down, though, and this afternoon we played Monopoly Junior again.  This was a much longer game, and we had to stop so I could feed DD2 again.  Despite a fantastic comeback (at one point, I only had £3 left), DD1 won again (!) with £55 against £35.  They are both now asleep, as I should be too, because I am knackered.

Goodbye,
LBP

Dear Diary,

I am tired.  I am not getting enough sleep, which I know, but don't seem to be able to do anything about.  DD2 is teething atm, so I am constantly being woken up in the night to be used as a comforter.  It would be better if she were that little bit older, so could manoeuvre herself into the right position, without waking me up.  Or if I slept a bit deeper, so I didn't wake up to her slight mumbling and grumbling (DH can sleep through it, so why can't I?).  Obviously, the best alternative would be for her to not be teething in the first place, but that's not a real option.

During the day, DD2 seems to be able to sleep well.  Yes she still mumbles, but also has long periods where she sleeps.  The difficulty with catching up on sleep during the day is that DD1 is awake, so I'm still on the go.  And even if, by some miracle, they were both to be asleep or self-occupied at the same time, I'd feel obliged to get on with all the stuff round the house that I try my best to avoid: washing up, clothes washing, tidying, and other general housework.

Watched a program last night called something like "How much do you do?" about how housework and chores are split between various couples.  Atm I'm ashamed to admit that I imagine DH does more than me, even though he's at work all day and I'm at home.  It is difficult, because when I'm at home I want to enjoy my children, spend time in and out of the house, and not be chained to the kitchen sink.  But that leaves me tired in the evenings (not least when I'm not having much sleep anyway) so I'd prefer to relax and veg out, rather than start the washing up or cleaning.  DH is a star.  He'll come in, sort out something for dinner (last night we had take away, so not so good for the diet), and will often wash up when I take DD1 to bed.  Because I'm BFing, DD2 doesn't go to bed yet, but hopefully it won't be too much longer before she's going through the night and will be sharing a room with DD1.  Just got to get this period of teething out the way first.

Thanks for listening,
LBP

Dear Diary,

I love DH and cannot keep secrets from him.  Believe me, I've tried.  The only ones I do manage to keep are birthday and Christmas presents, but that's because I know there's a fixed end-date where the secret will be revealed.  Everything else, I just blab.  Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, as I don't think there should be secrets between husband and wife.  Secrets cause trouble.

So I mentioned to DH that I've started a blog.  He isn't keen.  In fact, he has asked me to delete it and keep a diary instead.  Thing is, I have tried to keep a diary (in the past) but it just doesn't have the same effect.  So, the blog is here to stay.  At least it is all anonymous atm.  I did ask him to read the first posts from yesterday, and he hasn't so that's his loss.

There's lots that have to get out, as it were.  I had a horrible pregnancy and birth with DD1, and a horrible postnatal period too.  Luckily she is gorgeous, and I'm am very thankful for the beautiful girl that I get to call my own.  Having learnt A LOT from that experience, I was determined that things would be different with DD2 and planned a home birth, although that, too, didn't exactly go according to plan.

I do try to educate others, to learn from my mistakes/experiences of my births.  Part of me is tempted to become a doula, but I'll have to think long and hard about that.  Another part of me wants to become a Breast Feeding Counsellor, to help other women be successful.  In short, I love learning and want others to love it too.  That's probably why I enjoy tutoring, and why I want to HE my DDs.  So whilst there's lots I want to do, I've no idea when I'll find the time.

I'm also trying to be the perfect wife, the perfect mum, a good housewife, grow my own vegetables, cook from scratch, and lose weight in time for my sister's wedding this summer - I'm a bridesmaid for the first time!  So when I should be juggling all that, instead I'm talking to you, which means I should go now.

Yours,
LBP.